what if you spent your whole life waiting for something, for someone, who didn’t exist anymore? i had this boyfriend who i would have done anything for, who meant the world to me. we had the best of times, but also the worst. i know it sounds cliche, like everyone says that they had this boyfriend who they loved times infinity, blah blah blah, and who they would die without and stuff… and i may sound just like one of them. but that’s fine. i really would have done anything for him, with him. i just about did. i put through all of his abuse, and his games, and his cheating, and his breaking up with me, and i still, after all that, wanted to spend everyday with him. i want to see the world with him, and hold him, and share the newspaper over breakfast with him, and make cookies with him. only problem was, i was holding onto a “him” that didn’t exist anymore. he was gone. the boy he is today, is not the boy that i fell in love with back then, not the mirage of the boy i’m still holding onto today. its weird how people change so much, in so little time apart in the grand scheme of things. i thought the break would help us grow up, mature, and figure out that we really are better together. but we’re not. and maybe the break has done what its supposed to, maybe the time off is now only starting to make me see how much i’ve matured, as i can now admit that i don’t think we’re meant to be. i’m sure i’ve changed too, i’m just less okay with putting up with his bullshit. i still care about him, more than i’ve ever cared for anyone, but i just can’t watch this story anymore. i can’t offset my inner peace, my happiness, and put my life on hold, just to help him. before i thought it was because he wanted to be single, and that we couldnt be together because he didn’t want to be right now, because he wasn’t stable enough to be. i never even factored in how i was thinking or feeling. i never even factored in what i needed out of this life together. truth is, sure we have a lot in common, and sure we are able to have a great time together, and sure we have a history, and sure we used to mean the world to each other and we used to be best friends and loves and stuff, but we’re not now. and maybe thats because we’re not meant to be… maybe thats because we’re not compatible. sometimes when emotions are taken away, and you can look at the situation for what it really is, you can see the flaws and the down points.. the things that you weren’t able to see before. i had spent so much time wondering why we weren’t together, wishing that i could have closure or have a reason why at least, but maybe the simple truth is just that we’re not supposed to be. we don’t fit. maybe one day we will, maybe if we both changed enough on our own wills to be able to make the piece of the puzzle fit together… but we can’t right now. and i can’t bank on the idea that maybe it will, because it probably won’t. this isn’t a movie, there may not be a happy ending here for us. just me, and just him, living our own separate lives with an incredibly intense history together. with the past as a lesson, and the future as a canvas, maybe that’s what my life is meant to be telling me right now.
i knew the day would come, when you would come back to me. it always does. and somehow i always feel like i want it too, but then i wish it didn’t later on. you were my everything, but you’re just not worth the fight anymore.
How can you even laugh and smile on a day knowing how terrible of a person you are, and all the truly shitty things you have conceived??
